This past week I sat down early in the morning to take what I thought would be my last test of nursing school. 2.5 hours and 160 questions later, I was shocked and frustrated to see a score of 819. So close. 850 is all I needed. I managed to read through the rationale for two of the questions I answered wrong before becoming angry and giving up. As I handed in my pencil and scrap paper the testing proctor clapped and cheered, naive to the fact that not everyone would pass. I quickly walked to my car, cussing up a storm in my head asking myself how I could be so stupid as to fail by a measly 31 points. I turned up my aggressive sounding rap music and sped to work.
The rest of the week included many people asking how it went, me throwing pity parties for myself, and a whole lot of not reading my Bible or talking to God. Tuesday to Sunday - that's how long I gave myself to wallow in my pitiful sorrows. Yes, I know there are much more tragic things going on in the lives of those around me. Death, terror, illness, yet this failure of the test seemed so huge. Failure was not even in my vocabulary going into this test. I was pumped. I was excited. I knew I had God on my side. Nothing was going to slow me down now! And them BAM. Hit me like a... close door? I forget the saying.
So what do you do when you trust God, love God, have faith that he will be your strength and wisdom to get you through hard times (yes... I know it's just an exam...yes I was/am dramatic), and then everything comes crashing down? Obviously God messed up somewhere right? After all, I left it up to him. As easy as it is to blame other people, I do not think that is what happened at all. It has taken much longer than I'd like to admit, but I'm slowly learning that it is, in fact, NOT the end of the world.
I'm not a Bible guru so I honestly don't remember the reference or all the details of this very famous moment in history. And honestly I'm pulling memories from a cartoon I saw as a child, but my attitude reminds me of when God led the Israelites out of Egypt and saved them from the harsh slavery they had known for many years. God was awesome (as He always is) and parted seas, led the way with pillars of smoke, rained down food on them (literally a dream come true for me), and performed miracle after amazing miracle. Yet, the moment times got tough or struggle came their way, the Israelites acted like idiots. They seemed to forget where God had brought them from and had this attitude of complete hopelessness. They complained, they cried, they blamed God. This sounds exactly like my attitude this week.
Here I am three weeks away from earning my degree and all I can do is complain. I feel like a failure. I feel insecure about my capabilities of being a nurse. I am ashamed and I am dreading sitting through another test. I feel like I've let people down and the fear of that happening again is crippling. So quickly I felt hopeless, like I could never pass this test. All too quickly I had forgotten where I came from.
A little over a year ago I was worrying (a common theme here) about what I was going to do with my life. There was so much up in the air and I wasn't sure of anything. One day I decided to give nursing school a shot (haha..shot..get it?). I took the prerequisites, applied, and was accepted! Holy cow! I made it into nursing school! That in and of itself is a miracle straight from heaven. I've never been a straight "A" student. More like straight "C" with a sprinkle of "A"'s and "B"'s. I was shocked and super excited. What nursing school has brought me, apart from much stress and many tears, is some of the greatest people and friends I have ever met, experience serving others in a way that gets me excited about my future career, and a great appreciation for everyone who works in the healthcare field. Class after class, and test after test, I would get even more excited. There were some risky grades here and there, but overall I was breezing through. I loved learning new skills and I still get school-girl excited thinking of having the opportunity to work as a real nurse someday soon! I have this passion and excitement that I know is a gift from God. Leading up to this point I've had it easy in school.
One fail and all that is gone from my mind. All I can think about is what other people will think, if I'll be ready and able to pass it the second time, how I won't be able to relax yet because I'll be studying every night. I focused all my energy on the negative. I let the devil convince me I wasn't capable of this journey. I was so consumed with failure that I was blind to what good could come from this.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV
http://bible.com/111/2co.12.9.niv
I realized I had been finding my worth and identity in this one circumstance. My grades, good or bad, don't define me. I want people to be able to look at me and be so overwhelmed with the love and light of Christ that they don't even notice me. Through struggles and success, I want to be able to point back to God. If I hadn't failed this test, my head would probably be so big from pride it could be its own planet. Through failing I have learned that I need to work on trusting God and to cling to Him. To accept that I don't control my circumstances, and life won't always go according to my plan. I'm learning not to sweat the small stuff. When I die, none of this is going with me.
There are so many more important things in life and I am just wasting time by sitting back and crying about sucky situations. It's a downright shame to use my time mourning than running to God and finding peace and comfort and strength in Him.
I am praying like crazy I pass this second time. I have faith and confidence that I can. I am going to study my butt off and give 110%. By doing that, I know that I have done my part, and the only thing left to do is trust God with the rest. If I fail again, I'll be devastated I'm not going to lie. I'll probably throw some plates at the wall or turn Amazon woman and scream while knocking some trees down (I doubt Amazon woman do that). But I do know this, that storms in life are not just about being sad, but about praising and glorifying God regardless.
I can't waste another second letting my sour attitude keep me from spending time with God. Ain't nobody got time for that.
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