Oh What A Sinner.

Sometimes I get so mad at myself. Sometimes as in a lot. I call myself a Christian. I say I love God more than anything, but right now my life is not showing it AT ALL.

I don't understand why if I hate how I ignore God I keep on doing it. I haven't read my Bible in weeks, months even. I barely go to church and I barely talk to God. I'm not saying I have to do those things to be a Christian but if I truly loved God wouldn't I want to spend as much time with him as possible? Wouldn't I want to talk with Him and read my Bible to learn more about Him? Wouldn't I want to go to church to surrounding myself with fellow believers? I sure would think so. It's hard, but right now even when times are good, I need to lean on Him and thank Him every day for how much he has blessed me.

I want to be a light for God, to give any glory I recieve to Him...he deserves it for sure.

I'm excited about my future. I've become less stressed and have been telling myself that whatever happens, happens. God has control and right now I'm trying to lean on Him and go with the flow. No, God is not going to magically talk to me, and that sort o confuses me sometimes because I don't always know what God exactly wants from me. So right now I am just taking life and college and work one step at a time and if I happen to get off track, well I'm just thankful to have God as my leader to show me the rigt way if that ever happens.

It seriously takes dedication, commitment, love and a bit of time to get to know God better. He's given us that and much more so I just have to tell myself I owe that to Him. And I honestly really do wanna be a good servant, it's not just I feel like I have to. Not at all.
With God all things are possible.

Peace & Blessings.

Savings

I randomly think of things I want to buy that I should save up for, so I thought I would just put them here :) Not in any particular order, really.

1. Handwritten Bible

2. Trip to Michigan

3. Skydiving??

4. Laptop

5. Christmas presents for people

6. School books and tuition

7. Apartment

8. Bucket list random things :)

9. Music

More to come!

Bucket List

Here is my bucket list, I just add things to it whenever I think of something :)

White Water Rafting

Speed Dating

Bungee Jumping

Buy a lottory ticket

Tatto

Drive a race car

Polar Plunge

Paintballing

School 4

Karaoke

Movie hop

Buy a tarantula

Shave head

own a truck

shooting range/hunting

see baby turtles hatch

sleep on beach

Go to Bertha, Fl

Eat a bug

punch someone

give blood

camp in grand canyon

see 7 wonders of the world

fly in a helicopter

ride a bull

swim with dolphins

see a NYC broadway show

Fall Plans

Summer has begun! It's going to be a great few months. But I have a ton of decisions to make for the fall!

First, I have to decide about school. I definitely want to go. I have 75% bright futures to help out with the costs and I am going to FSCJ (Florida's sucky crap jail haha) so it will b

e cheaper than other alternatives and it is close to home, so I can stay in town and work and go to the beach all the time (: But I still have to decide which classes to take and how many I want to and what a good schedule would be.

This also depends on where I am living. I would really REALLY Love to move to Country Club lakes (picture below) with my cousin, Sarah. She wants to move down here from Kentucky and that would be amazing and I would have so much freedom and it would b

e a great time, but I would also have a ton of bills and responsibilities. I don't know if I would be able to make enough money to pay for the rent, gas, groceries, insurance, phone, and anything else that I would have to pay for, which sucks. And if I couldn't get enough hours then I would need to find a better job and I don't want to leave CFA, but if I have to I might.

But, that also depends on how much I want to work, which depends on how many classes I am taking and when, which depends on EVERYTHING! Haha, it's a lot to think about and to decide, and in a very short time.

Pros to moving out:

• Freedom (the biggest thing. Includes staying up however late I want, going wherever I want, not having to ask or have a curfew. Not that I would do anything crazy and stupid but, it would be nice)
• Live with my cousin
• Live near beach and work and in a cute apartment
• Have a really good time and school year
• Everything good will happen!!!!!
• Not living at home, yay!

Cons to moving out:

• Cost a lot of money
• Be tired and busy all the time
• Risky (vague but, it is)
• I'm only 18, young? yes, I don't wanna grow up too fast, idk.

So it would be really cool to move out, but also probably stressful all the time! I am excited, and have the best friends and family who give the best advice and I am going to pray and hopefully God will show me which doors he has opened for me and which ones he has closed. I truly want to follow his path for my life, and don't want to get to wrapped up in having "freedom" that I miss it. If He wants me to stay at home for some reason, I will. I know that I would love to move out if everything works, but I don't want to focus all my time and energy on doing that if it's not what He wants. Ahh, life is confusing haha. Sometimes I wish I knew exactly what God was thinking and what He wants for me right now but I know I can't, and I won't, so

I just have to trust.

Pray pray pray and listen listen listen is what I am going to do!

Country Club Lakes Apartments, aren't they cute? It really is a cool place, the best one we have looked at so far.

April Showers Bring May Flowers!

It's already May! I can't believe it. Seriously, I can't.

It's going to be the best month ever, for several reasons.

1. School ends.

2. Surprise! Summer starts (:

3. My best friend comes home! for...

4. ... our high school graduation! Holla.

5. Orlando with Alexis!! Getting senior pictures done :)

That is just five out of a ton of reasons (okay I really can't think of any more but I am sure there are!) that prove that May is the bomb!

So many things have happened recently.

Like, I talked about Justin Bieber for 10 minutes in class (was a speech)...that was fun and amazing basically even though I hate talking. Ew. Also I turned 18!!! Now I can do...everything that I have no desire to do! Woot woot. But it is nice being able to work whatever I want and all. Now I am going to work over the summer a toooonn and hopefully buy a car!

Also, some of us girls at R.O.C.K have started leading small groups and it's been really cool. Well, okay, let me back up. It is a great idea, I love it and at first everything was amazing (and still is...just wait for the story). And I love Shelly who is my partner and I love our girls and I am so glad I can be there for them and to help them. But lately I've been thinking about how I feel like I don't even know anything. Lol (just had to add that).

But really, the girls in our group probably know sooo much more than me, about life and God and the Bible and sometimes I think it's unfair that I am supposedly their leader when they are leading me. It's my fault really. Over the past few years I haven't been spending time with God and reading his Word like I should be. I always tell myself I'm too busy and whatnot when really I am too lazy and just stupid haha!

But I don't want to just say "oh well" and continue on with my life. I am starting to think that this is a good thing! These girls will encourage me to read His Word because I want to be able to really lead them and know how to answer their questions and the only way that will happen is if I know the Bible. So yeah. Basically I want to take this as an opportunity to really get my act together! To start living for Christ, walking the walk and not just talking the talk!

I know I know. This is a blog at 2am and it's really easy to type a ton of words. Well, I am serious. I don't want to keep putting other things before my Saviour. He deserves everything and who am I to hold it back? Ugh. Okay this is going to be hard. But with so many big decisions before me I definitely don't want to go head first alone! In fact I don't want to be deciding anything I want God to and how is that gonna happen if I'm not listening? Duh.
And I'm talking to myself, great haha.

I just like to avoid school and blog at late hours when I have nothing else to do, that is all.

To be honest...

...I super miss mis hermanas (my sisters hehe) Amy and Hannah.

I've really been trying to trust God, I know that He is in total control, and this is His plan, not theirs or ours. That is truly comforting because God is perfect, His plans are perfect and if anyone had to choose what we do with our lives I'm definitely glad it is Him.

But sometimes it just sucks. Just thinking about how they are up there and how they are not just on vacation, that they won't be back in a few days is scary.

Hannah is basically the bestest friend ever. We met in like 9th grade at the horrible PEP and soon realized that we both hate school, both love boys (just kidding...teeheehee) both loved passing notes in class teeheehee (just sometimes, okay). So by 10th grade we were good friends and then 11th grade definitely bffls. We had like almost every class together, I saw her at least four days a week and then we both got jobs around the same time and we both encouraged each other in our walk with Jesus. I LOVE how we talk about Him. I mean I may not be the best encouraging friend but Hannah for sure is and she has really encouraged me in that area of my life. Especially since we made that deal or whatever where we have to tell each other EVERYTHING haha. Like EVERYTHING leaving nothing out. That usually helps in strengthening friendships.

Then one day as we were at pep just hanging out getting in trouble probably lol she told me the AWFUL news that she was leaving. My heart broke basically haha. It sucked. But the good thing was that she had thought they were leaving before senior year of school even started, but thankfully the waited and I got to spend that first and half of the second semester with her in a couple of my classes.

I've met some really great people through her, like REALLY great. Like I couldn't even live without them.

Basically, I am just rambling and I really miss her but her amazing sister Abby (them Bourques are just awesome) asked if I wanted to do this book/Bible study with her and it's really going to help me see that this is the best thing for them because it is what God told them to do. And it's also going to help me with the rest of my life.

I also really miss Amy. Obviously we aren't life bffl bffls because she is the younger sister of my bffl and basically my younger sister and therefore we have a love/hate relationship..well not really hate just love relationship that you have with sisters teeheehee. But I really love Amy and she is amazing and even though she is a boy haha jk I won't go there. She is truly a beautiful loving girl, who acts all tough and it's cute :P And Amy asked and asked and begged me to come to Rock one week, the youthgroup at ECC and so I went and LOVED it. These people are some of the greatest I've ever met, and if Amy hadn't been so in love with God and them then I probably would have never come and met them. It's been a huge blessing and it's just freaking awesome lol.

All in all, I'm sad to say goodbye. Like really sad. I don't want to go back to school and have 2-3 hours of break because usually I would hang out with her and we would talk about everything and now I am just going to be sitting in the cold death study hall by myself. Maybe I should use this time to meet new people, and strengthen my other friendships, idk. I just know that God loves us and does not give us more than we can handle with Him, and that we are all going to get through this.

The Bourques will be back in just over a month, and we will have a great week or so with them, and then summer will come and we will go to college and encourage each other from wherever we are in the world and we will see each other on breaks and stuff.

I read this verse today about the God being the vine and how we are the branches and it's just a really great verse.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

I really love this verse a lot. Like it might be one of my favorites. Without God, we are nothing. We are just sinners who have no hope. Jesus saved us though, so now we can become God's children. If we abide in Him, just like this verse says, then we will bear much fruit for His glory. Our life will have purpose and we can have peace knowing that we are doing the right thing. I am glad that Hannah and Amy moved only because they are living in God's will. If they had stayed they wouldn't have been going where God called them and that would have sucked (yeah I need to take a vocabulary class...I know lol).

This is a really long post of me just going on and on and on about how I miss them. Best friends moving away = no fun. I don't wanna finish the school year because it's gonna be really different without them here. But I can't wait to see what God does in Michigan with them and here in good ol Jacksonville with us.

Now I should probably focus on this darn school that was due forever and a day ago.

March Madness on a whole new level!

This has been...one of the craziest months of my life. Well. Basically. I mean like I don't wanna be a drama queen but it's been a sad/happy/busy/just all around crazy month. There have been great days and not so great days. And it's been hard but thankfully I have God and I am realizing more and more how much he really loves us, loves me, and just how present he is in my life.

Let's see. March...Well, my sister got hitched, holla! Haha she had a beautiful wedding at Hanna Park at the Dolphin Plaza, and it was a beautiful day. Family and friends all came down to celebrate and we got to talk to people we haven't seen in awhile and we danced a little and the night before all of us bridemaids and friends got a hotel room and hung out and got pedicures in the morning. My sisters are basically the best thing ever.

My sisters are all gorgeous and hilarious and we just complete each other. I swear like having sisters is the best, there is this bond that is unbreakable and you can all relate cause you are all girls and yeah this is a little mushy but it's true :) Jessica was a beautiful bride and David was a handsome groom and I am so excited to officially have him as part of the family!

Then that Sunday after the wedding Hannah and Amy had their going away party/Amy's birthday party and it was really a great time to see everyone together for one of the last times for awhile. I feel really dorky because I am not the one moving, or even related to them by blood but basically they are sisters and bffls and I am going to miss them very much! And then we had pep as usual and Amy took our senior pictures for us! I am so proud of her she is becoming a good lil photographer (: tear tear. haha. But here is a good picture. Sort of shows all of us and our... moods haha whatever you want to call it. We are a good group of kids and I am so glad that I have met each and every one of them :)

And then the craziness started lol. As time went on the Bourque's final days grew...less...no I am not going to be a writer someday so don't worry lol. But the girls final Rock was really amazing. We started out playing games and then we had amazing worship and a message and then our all the girls gathered into small group and prayed with/for Hannah and Amy and all the love in the room was so amazing. It was really a sad time to think that this was their last rock, for a while at least, but to see how close everyone has grown and much we love each other and encourage each other to grow in the Lord is really an amazing thing. I thank God that He brought me to this group of people. Like really.

And then bffl day came! Finally haha. I have the best friends anyone could ask for. Hannah, Duckie, Shelly, Courtney and I all wanted to hang out together one last time before they moved (not one last time ever cause that would be stupid) so we went to 5 points! The most crazy place ever. Like how the heck are you suppose to drive or park down there its so tiny! haha. Anways, Abby and Eden (cuteness 1 and cuteness 2) and also little sisters Dia and Amy came along and we went into a couple of really cute vintage stores. They were really cool and I'll admit that some of the stuff was a little....haha wow I don't even have a word. maybe weird? I couldn't pull some of that stuff off, that's for sure. But it was a great and fantastic day nonetheless. After the stores and finding our sisterhood travelling thing (suspenders!) we went to the park to give Hannah her secret bffl box! It was just some stuff that we gathered for her to remind her of Jax and us and to just have a little bit of home and love as she travels to Michigan. Then we hung out at the park and Amy took a bunch of model pics everyone because everyone is a model duh. Basically though, these women (yeah holla) are such a huge blessing I really can't imagine my life without them, it would be horribly horrid. It was a great day full of laughter and thankfully no crying haha and I can't wait until our future hangouts!

(We gave Hannah her box and we all love each other and Courtney really encouraged us and it was just a super duper great day and I love each of them)

and then Friday Brian and I went down to Orlando to visit Anna and Tiffany, and to celebrate Anna's birthday! On the way down there we went past our exit and drove through a bunch of traffic and then we had to turn around and drive through it all over again haha. And then we took Anna to Golden Corral and ate dinner and we were going to take her to Legoland and Downtown Disney but there was SO MUCH TRAFFIC. We sat in it for two hours. Like seriously. And so we ditched that idea and went to downtown Orlando and went and got some Mochi and then took some amazing pictures and hung out. Anna jump and fell on her back on concrete, someone broke into our car and stole Tiffany's itouch and some other random junk and then we went home and watched a weird vampire horror movie that I fell asleep to haha. And then the next morning we went to the pool and then Brian and I drove home like at 80mph the whole way to make it in time for work. And we witnessed someone spin out of control on i95, no one hit anyone and they kept on driving when they stopped spinning. It was right in front of us, and it was crazy, but I thank God no one was hurt or injured at all. And then we got home and worked and it was pretty cool (haha snl... Oh I would have a picture but I brought Tiffanys camera home by accident soooo).

thennnnn doomsday came! Sunday night I went to the Gregor's house to say goodbye to Hannah and Amy for the last time until May. It was...sad. No one cried when I was there, we actually laughed a lot and had a good time. It is just sad that we won't be able to do that with Hannah for a couple months. It is going to be so weird. She is my best friend. We are always there for each other, we ALWAYS have to tell each other everything no matter what it is or how embarrassing because we made a rule lol. We met through pep and we both hated school so much and we are both not the smartest people so we clicked pretty fast haha. We are like twins minus the fact that she is way prettier and funnier but other than that we are sisters! And even though it's hard to admit or accept, God DOES have a plan for them. I hate to see them leave, but I would feel horrible keeping them here in Jacksonville just so I can be happy. Living outside of God's will is like the worst thing ever. For real. They would probably have been miserable and honestly I just want to see them do what God wants, and what they want (which is what God wants because they are awesome). Again, I feel really lame because I am not even the one moving. It must be SOOO hard for them to leave their relationships they've invested in and just their whole life and all the memories they've made.

I'm just glad God is the same God everywhere. He has them in His hand and NO one can pluck them out. It's going to be an amazing journey to hear about and the mountains are like the second best thing in the whole world (don't ask me what the first is, I had nothing in mind hahah I just thought "second best thing" sounded good). Anyways, I'm glad I can be here for them and encourage them. Which I have really failed at lately because I'm so emo and let my stupid emotions rule my life but really, I am happy and excited for them and can't wait to see tons of pictures and everything!

And that is my March Madness so far. It's only going to get crazier with spring break and then school starting back and working a ton and saving for a car and going to the beach to freckle. And hopefully most importantly learning about God's new mercies everyday.

...of a dumb blonde.

So it's 4:14 am. I am working on some homework and just remembered we are all out of ink.

...

Do you know how depressing this is? I could've not done my homework and been like "I ran out of ink I'll email it to you" and they wouldn't have known the difference! But, this way I can say that and be truthful 100% and not have to do it later. Phew. I guess that is good?

I am sitting here on the laptop and I have been listening to Pandora with my headphones plugged in for a few hours now and I decided to read my sisters blog. While I was reading it (it was really intense. I was paying very close attention) I felt something in my ear but ignored it. Then it was still there, and I heard this annoying noise. It wouldn't go away. By now I was sort of annoyed because I just wanted to finish reading this blog post without this annoying feeling in my ear. I reached up and realized I still had the headphones in...like seriously? I've had them in all night, with music playing and I totally forgot. Stupid.

I guess that goes to show that my sister is a really good blogger, especially when she writes the diary of a UNICORN! Heck. Yes.