I miss my mom. A whole lot. Every day, every second, is hard. So many things remind me of her and a memory we created, and I love them. But it's also hard going about my life and then randomly thinking about how a certain place or object reminds me of my mother. I just don't understand exactly how I am supposed to move on. Do I keep pictures around that make me sad? Do I just hide everything that had to do with her so I think about it as little as possible? I am so lost. I don't know what to do.
I can confidently say my mom was my best friend. As weird as that sounds, I told her everything. And she told me a lot too. We loved hanging out, playing games and taking joy rides in the car with the windows down and music up - just for fun. I spent time with her every day, and we understood each other.
Now, she's gone. Thankfully I'll see her again one day. I think the fact that it was so sudden is the worst. No one had the chance to say goodbye. No one knew it happened until days after. She was alone. She left to soon. And I know she wouldn't have wanted that. I mean seriously my brother is only 13 years old, she wouldn't have wanted to leave him like that, so early. I just think its unfair.
Then I realize, it doesn't matter what I think. Worse things have happened, and no matter how bad it seems, it's all fair. Nothing happens that God doesn't know about. It's all for a plan, a purpose. And these human vessels we consume right now are such a tiny part to His glorious plan. We are made for so much more, and as sad as it makes me, my mom is in a better place. She doesn't have to worry about the struggles of this life anymore. She is in no more pain or sadness. She's healthy.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, but tonight like many other nights, I'm just missing that mothers hug, or goodnight kiss, or a tuck in bed (okay those stopped awhile ago but still...).
I'm scared. Not for me. But my family. My little brother and sister. I am trying to trust God as much as I can. I know he is in control and is protecting my siblings far better than my mom or any other person ever could. It's just hard. And I am praying every day for them, and her friends. I'm sure it's hard on them too... I can't even imagine.
Dang it. I hate hate hate crying. Guess that's my cue to stop. I pray that God is glorified through everything that has happened. I don't want to let this opportunity go to waste. I don't know why this happened yet, but God is leading the way and I can't wait to see where this path in life leads us.
