Learn from the Past

  This past week I sat down early in the morning to take what I thought would be my last test of nursing school. 2.5 hours and 160 questions later, I was shocked and frustrated to see a score of 819. So close. 850 is all I needed. I managed to read through the rationale for two of the questions I answered wrong before becoming angry and giving up. As I handed in my pencil and scrap paper the testing proctor clapped and cheered, naive to the fact that not everyone would pass. I quickly walked to my car, cussing up a storm in my head asking myself how I could be so stupid as to fail by a measly 31 points. I turned up my aggressive sounding rap music and sped to work.
  The rest of the week included many people asking how it went, me throwing pity parties for myself, and a whole lot of not reading my Bible or talking to God. Tuesday to Sunday - that's how long I gave myself to wallow in my pitiful sorrows. Yes, I know there are much more tragic things going on in the lives of those around me. Death, terror, illness, yet this failure of the test seemed so huge. Failure was not even in my vocabulary going into this test. I was pumped. I was excited. I knew I had God on my side. Nothing was going to slow me down now! And them BAM. Hit me like a... close door? I forget the saying.

  So what do you do when you trust God, love God, have faith that he will be your strength and wisdom to get you through hard times (yes... I know it's just an exam...yes I was/am dramatic), and then everything comes crashing down? Obviously God messed up somewhere right? After all, I left it up to him. As easy as it is to blame other people, I do not think that is what happened at all. It has taken much longer than I'd like to admit, but I'm slowly learning that it is, in fact, NOT the end of the world.

  I'm not a Bible guru so I honestly don't remember the reference or all the details of this very famous moment in history. And honestly I'm pulling memories from a cartoon I saw as a child, but my attitude reminds me of when God led the Israelites out of Egypt and saved them from the harsh slavery they had known for many years. God was awesome (as He always is) and parted seas, led the way with pillars of smoke, rained down food on them (literally a dream come true for me), and performed miracle after amazing miracle. Yet, the moment times got tough or struggle came their way, the Israelites acted like idiots. They seemed to forget where God had brought them from and had this attitude of complete hopelessness. They complained, they cried, they blamed God. This sounds exactly like my attitude this week.

  Here I am three weeks away from earning my degree and all I can do is complain. I feel like a failure. I feel insecure about my capabilities of being a nurse. I am ashamed and I am dreading sitting through another test. I feel like I've let people down and the fear of that happening again is crippling. So quickly I felt hopeless, like I could never pass this test. All too quickly I had forgotten where I came from.

  A little over a year ago I was worrying (a common theme here) about what I was going to do with my life. There was so much up in the air and I wasn't sure of anything. One day I decided to give nursing school a shot (haha..shot..get it?). I took the prerequisites, applied, and was accepted! Holy cow! I made it into nursing school! That in and of itself is a miracle straight from heaven. I've never been a straight "A" student. More like straight "C" with a sprinkle of "A"'s and "B"'s. I was shocked and super excited. What nursing school has brought me, apart from much stress and many tears, is some of the greatest people and friends I have ever met, experience serving others in a way that gets me excited about my future career, and a great appreciation for everyone who works in the healthcare field. Class after class, and test after test, I would get even more excited. There were some risky grades here and there, but overall I was breezing through. I loved learning new skills and I still get school-girl excited thinking of having the opportunity to work as a real nurse someday soon! I have this passion and excitement that I know is a gift from God. Leading up to this point I've had it easy in school.

  One fail and all that is gone from my mind. All I can think about is what other people will think, if I'll be ready and able to pass it the second time, how I won't be able to relax yet because I'll be studying every night. I focused all my energy on the negative. I let the devil convince me I wasn't capable of this journey. I was so consumed with failure that I was blind to what good could come from this.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:9‬ ‭NIV‬‬
http://bible.com/111/2co.12.9.niv

  I realized I had been finding my worth and identity in this one circumstance. My grades, good or bad, don't define me. I want people to be able to look at me and be so overwhelmed with the love and light of Christ that they don't even notice me. Through struggles and success, I want to be able to point back to God. If I hadn't failed this test, my head would probably be so big from pride it could be its own planet. Through failing I have learned that I need to work on  trusting God and to cling to Him. To accept that I don't control my circumstances, and life won't always go according to my plan. I'm learning not to sweat the small stuff. When I die, none of this is going with me.

  There are so many more important things in life and I am just wasting time by sitting back and crying about sucky situations. It's a downright shame to use my time mourning than running to God and finding peace and comfort and strength in Him.

  I am praying like crazy I pass this second time. I have faith and confidence that I can. I am going to study my butt off and give 110%. By doing that, I know that I have done my part, and the only thing left to do is trust God with the rest. If I fail again, I'll be devastated I'm not going to lie. I'll probably throw some plates at the wall or turn Amazon woman and scream while knocking some trees down (I doubt Amazon woman do that). But I do know this, that storms in life are not just about being sad, but about praising and glorifying God regardless.

  I can't waste another second letting my sour attitude keep me from spending time with God. Ain't nobody got time for that.
 

Amurica

I love America and the freedom we have here.

Today at lunch as my friend prayed over our food I was thinking about how rare it is to see people praying in places for their food, or whatever they are praying for.

I began to think of the places where it is illegal to pray, worship, read your Bible or even talk about God in public, and how blessed I am to live in a country where  I don't even have to think twice about doing any of that!

Then I got to thinking how many times I don't do something as simple as bless my food, an easy chance to talk with my savior, and I simply just don't do it! That freedom is a privilege, and I take it for granted day after day. And when I do pray at meals, it's just at dinner or whenever someone else takes the initiative.

I can't believe I don't take the opportunity more often!

and yeah i really don't feel like writing. i hate writing. goodbye.

The Good Samaritan

Luke 10: 25-37 - Jesus Tells the Parable of the Good Samaritan

I love this story, and it seems like every time I read it I learn something new. Tonight, my heart was hurting so deeply for someone I care about more than myself. I was sitting in bed, crying, and by the grace of God I thought to myself, "turn to scripture". Usually, I just cry myself to sleep, curse life for sucking so bad, and eventually shrug it off. But lately, I have been trying to make an effort to talk to God more, and talk about God more. And I've been asking him to give me the desire to serve him, because let's be honest, sitting down and reading a book (yes, even the Bible unfortunately) just doesn't sound as appealing as sleeping in, or sitting on the couch watching my show, being lazy. And praying usually turns into a "try not to fall asleep" time. It's sad, but it's true. That's how I have been, or had been. I have really been working on it, and I have seen changes. Like tonight, when I got the idea to read my Bible when I was sad, instead of trying to deal with it myself. Or when I see someone hurt, or trying to achieve something, and instead of saying to myself, "I hope they are okay" or, "I hope they reach their goal" I will pray to God, the author of life, the one who can actually do something about the situation. It's all by the grace of God. My dumb little selfish brain couldn't have thought of that on my own, it's all God.

So tonight I read Luke 10, and it of course it was great. I've been attempting to really read and study the verses and chapters that I read, instead of just breezing through. I've been trying to apply the passages to my life, because if I just read it and leave it at that, what was the point?

What I learned tonight from the passage above is that while the man, a Jew, was laying naked and half dead on the side of a road, two people passed him, saw him, and not only did nothing, but took the effort to get as far away as possible. The two people were a Levite and a priest, both people involved with religion (you know, that label people claim that makes them "good"). Then a Samaritan comes along, an enemy of the Jewish people, and sees the man on the road and decides to help. Not only did he get him to safety, he went above and beyond to make sure this man was treated right. He dressed his wounds, walked to the inn while the man rode his donkey, paid for a few nights stay for the man, and promised to pay for whatever other expenses the man makes.

To see the priest and Levite walk by one of their own, and ignore a man in need, is sad. To see the Samaritan, who is supposedly an enemy, look at him and realize the man is no worse than he is, that he is just another human being who is in need of help, to put all the differences behind and find the similarities, is amazing.

It makes me think of how often I have had a "holier than thou" attitude towards others, so much that it blinded me from doing the simplest of things, and helping someone in need. God created us all in his image, we are all equally sinful, dirty…human. I should be viewing everyone with love. How many people have I thought were not as good as me, wether I thought they were dirty (literally), or more sinful, or not as smart, etc. and completely turned away, refused to love them unconditionally as God has loved me.

I need to apply this to my life, to put away the so called differences that don't even matter, and realize the similarities between myself and my peers, and reach out to them. Help them. Love them. Whether it's the homeless man asking for some change, or a coworker complaining about the job, or a sibling who I am fighting with, just anyone, whoever.

Everyone is my neighbor. No matter what color, belief, race, education, paycheck, etc. God calls me to love my neighbor, Jesus defined my neighbor. Now it's my time to be obedient.

All the way or not at all, please.

Something has really been bothering me lately. As I've been reading the book of Mark I've gotten to see how the Pharisees act and how each time they're around Jesus they try and trip him up but each time Jesus answers wisely and calmly.

What else I noticed is that the Pharisees called themselves holy and acted all righteous in the marketplaces but in reality they were cheating on widows and steal their houses (Mark 12:40) and turn around and say a prayer while others are watching. 

As sad as it is, this makes me think of people today. They're always worried about equality and tolerance and they say "love the gay people" and "they're cheating on their spouse it's okay love them anyways" but then they turn around and hate on someone's whose overweight, someone who lives out their faith, someone who has a weird voice or who asks too many questions. 

They say love the people who are "hated" by Christians when in fact it's the (real) Christians who genuinely love them. 

No, I don't promote the act of being gay. I don't promote having sex outside of marriage. I don't promote getting wasted. I think these things are sinful, they go against what God has told us is right. They. Are. Wrong. 

Yet, do I hate the people that take part in these things? Heck no. I love people so much. I love hearing their stories, laughing with them, seeing them grow up and mature. Just because they have sins doesn't mean I hate them, because guess what, I am flawed too. As a Christian, I mess up every single day. I may not be gay or or sleep around, but I judge people, I make fun of people, I get mad, I cuss, I have road rage, and none of these sins are worse or less than any other sin. They're all equal. 

So here I am annoyed that people think Christians hate everyone who don't live the same as them or believe the same things, when in fact we are called to love everyone, even our enemies with the love that Christ has shown us. 

And then I remember that I can't blame them. Because there are "fake Christians" who say they are saved and who say they believe the Bible but really have no clue or care to follow what it says. 

So I am puzzled. Why do people claim to be Christians when they have no intentions on living like one? Why bother claiming that title and bringing a bad name to the rest of the Christians who are taking their faith seriously and to, more importantly, Jesus, when they can just live their life without having that title? 

It's better to just admit that you're not a Christian than pretend to be one on Sundays. 

Just a few thoughts.

New Year

Well it's been 2013 for about 3 months and 15 days now. Doesn't sound like much but SO MANY things have happened, and I can say I am TRULY blessed.

The first week in January I drove with some great friends up to Atlanta, Georgia to experience the Passion Conference for myself. It. Was. Amazing. Holy Cannoli. Just gathering with 60,000 people who are all worshipping Christ is amazing. It was a great experience to wake up every day and right of the bat sing songs, pray, read the Bible, and fellowship all for God's glory. While I was there, I learned a lot about God's love, especially when they talked about the End It Movement. Slavery still exists, it blew my mind. There I was, in the Georgia Dome with my friends having a great week, and all across the world there are people who are slaves, who have never seen the light of Christ. How often do we take the love and mercy of Christ for granted? We experience it EVERY DAY. We know what it is like to be loved and cared for with a love that will never fade. And do think that there are people out there, a lot of them children, who have only seen hate from their masters is heart breaking. I asked myself, what could I do for them? I don't want to keep this love all to myself, I want to share it! So Passion 2013 was a great week. I kept on thinking to myself how I wish I could go everyday. How I wish I could wake up and just serve God all day every day, and then I had one of those "oh duh" moments. I don't have to be in a dome with 60,000 other people, listening to Christ Tomlin or Francis Chan to serve and praise God! I can do that all day every day right here at home, or wherever I am.

So my new journey began. Instead of laying around all day every day, never reading my Bible, never going to church or anything to do with God, I have been praying for the passion and desire to serve Him! And boy has he answered my prayers! It hasn't been easy, and I still fail every day, but it has been a great learning experience. I started going to church again, one called Eleven 22. It really is the greatest thing ever. God just speaks through the pastor in a simple yet moving way. He is so real and raw and the only thing that matters is the Word. All he does is simply reads the Bible and says what it means, and how we can apply it to our life. It isn't some show they are putting on, or some fancy dinner gathering, it's church. I have been really blessed through it. I have been reading the Bible (almost) every day. There are some days I don't, and honestly some days I don't care to, and that's why I have to constantly pray for that desire to read it, and to serve God. Because without God's help, my sinful heart wouldn't even want to serve him. So it's definitely a daily struggle and task to ask him to make me want to read his Word, or go to church, or whatever, but it really helps. And even sometimes when I don't want to, I do it anyways, and I always learn something and thank God because even though I may not want to, that doesn't stop him from speaking to me, thankfully.

And I have also learned that I have absolutely the best friends I could have ever asked for. Work has been a great source of that. Some of us even meet for a CFA Bible study . . . how amazing is that? It is so uplifting, and we can encourage each other and learn from each other and I can't thank God enough for placing them in my life. Also, my family and friends outside of work that I have grown up with, they have always been encouragements and continue to blow me away. I love them all. This life would suck without them and I thank God that he was kind enough to put them in my life, because he knew I would need them and hopefully I can serve them also.

Birthdays have past, mine is coming up. We got two sister puppies who are annoying as heck but cute as I'll get out. I have decided to go to UNF for business. I am like 99% positive I am going to stick with that because God has BIG things in my future and I can't wait!

One thing I love and have really been noticing is just how STRONG prayer is. It's not just some thoughts running through your head, and your not just saying them to the clouds. When people pray to God, they are really TALKING TO GOD! I know for me sometimes that is hard to grasp. Like, the God who created us and sent his son to save us, has allowed us to so easily communicate with him. And he truly hears us. And he answers us (with a yes orrrrrrr no). It's amazing to think. I have realized that when I used to pray I wouldn't really believe that anything would happen. I would just say the words and then forget about it. I wouldn't have faith that God could actually help me. But I have been seeing how wrong I was, about powerful prayer is, and it's been great to see God answer prayers, even though sometimes it's not the answer I want, it's still an answer! And to have to God of the universe answer someone as low as me, is remarkable.

Mom

I miss my mom. A whole lot. Every day, every second, is hard. So many things remind me of her and a memory we created, and I love them. But it's also hard going about my life and then randomly thinking about how a certain place or object reminds me of my mother. I just don't understand exactly how I am supposed to move on. Do I keep pictures around that make me sad? Do I just hide everything that had to do with her so I think about it as little as possible? I am so lost. I don't know what to do.

I can confidently say my mom was my best friend. As weird as that sounds, I told her everything. And she told me a lot too. We loved hanging out, playing games and taking joy rides in the car with the windows down and music up - just for fun. I spent time with her every day, and we understood each other.

Now, she's gone. Thankfully I'll see her again one day. I think the fact that it was so sudden is the worst. No one had the chance to say goodbye. No one knew it happened until days after. She was alone. She left to soon. And I know she wouldn't have wanted that. I mean seriously my brother is only 13 years old, she wouldn't have wanted to leave him like that, so early. I just think its unfair.

Then I realize, it doesn't matter what I think. Worse things have happened, and no matter how bad it seems, it's all fair. Nothing happens that God doesn't know about. It's all for a plan, a purpose. And these human vessels we consume right now are such a tiny part to His glorious plan. We are made for so much more, and as sad as it makes me, my mom is in a better place. She doesn't have to worry about the struggles of this life anymore. She is in no more pain or sadness. She's healthy.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but tonight like many other nights, I'm just missing that mothers hug, or goodnight kiss, or a tuck in bed (okay those stopped awhile ago but still...).

I'm scared. Not for me. But my family. My little brother and sister. I am trying to trust God as much as I can. I know he is in control and is protecting my siblings far better than my mom or any other person ever could. It's just hard. And I am praying every day for them, and her friends. I'm sure it's hard on them too... I can't even imagine.

Dang it. I hate hate hate crying. Guess that's my cue to stop. I pray that God is glorified through everything that has happened. I don't want to let this opportunity go to waste. I don't know why this happened yet, but God is leading the way and I can't wait to see where this path in life leads us.

Religion, faith, tolerance, what?

This life is hard. Having faith in God is hard. But it's worth it.
Yes sometimes I do have doubts, and those darn "what ifs" always pop up. Like "what if someone did actually make up a story and call it the Bible?" "what if there isn't a heaven after this world?" It's hard, not knowing the past (from being an eyewitness) and not knowing the future, it can be really scary. All I know is that I have this one life to live, one life to make a difference, spread love. And even though there are lots of questions when it comes to following Christ and believing his word, I do. I do believe he is sovereign, and that he created this world, and that he has a purpose for us all. The more I read the Bible and the more I learn about him, the more everything seems to make sense.
It can be hard explaining it to people, they don't like to hear it and probably will ignore it at first. But God has chosen his followers. If people are meant to believe, they will. Our job is to trust God and tell others about his Glory.

There are a ton of religions out there, and some of them seem to make sense at first, but I believe that God created the earth, and sent his son to die for us and we should live for him.

It makes me so sad when people start bashing and judging each other based on what they believe. NO, I don't think all religions are right. If you don't ask Jesus to save you, come into your heart and if you don't accept that you are a sinner in need of a savior, I believe you will not get into Heaven. Being "tolerant" shouldn't be accepting everything, because not everything is right.

If someone kills someone else, should we just look past it because killing that person is what the killer thought was right, and it's what he wanted to do? No.

If someone has an abortion, should we support them because they don't think it's murder? No.

If someone is gay, should we tell them to get married and continually commit those lustful sins just because we don't want to hurt their feelings?

NO. I don't believe that. Being tolerant basically means you believe in everything, which is sort of like believing in nothing. Take a stand. If someone is sinning, don't look past it. You know it's a sin, and you shouldn't praise someone for that.

BUT you shouldn't tear them down so much either. God is the only person worthy of judging. That is not our place. We are called to love one another as God loves us. And guess how God loves us? Unconditionally. We are to love others no matter what. Whether they've made mistakes, or continue making them. We can still love people and tell them that what they're doing is wrong. If someone was about to step into a trap, wouldn't you tell them because you love them? That is what I see being a Christian as. We shouldn't judge people with a "holier than thou" attitude. We should tell them the danger of living in sin, and what life is like with Christ.


This has basically been a really long, scattered thought of mine. And I probably made some errors because it's late and I don't proof read my blog posts. But I hope people get the drift.

I am basically saying, as a Christian, we are supposed to love people, and yes be "tolerant", but not take that too far. Because if we just lay back and let people continue on with their life, no matter how sinful it is, what kind of love is that? WE HAVE THE ANSWER TO EVERLASTING LIFE! It's a BIG deal. Not everyone will accept it, but we gotta try.

Oh What A Sinner.

Sometimes I get so mad at myself. Sometimes as in a lot. I call myself a Christian. I say I love God more than anything, but right now my life is not showing it AT ALL.

I don't understand why if I hate how I ignore God I keep on doing it. I haven't read my Bible in weeks, months even. I barely go to church and I barely talk to God. I'm not saying I have to do those things to be a Christian but if I truly loved God wouldn't I want to spend as much time with him as possible? Wouldn't I want to talk with Him and read my Bible to learn more about Him? Wouldn't I want to go to church to surrounding myself with fellow believers? I sure would think so. It's hard, but right now even when times are good, I need to lean on Him and thank Him every day for how much he has blessed me.

I want to be a light for God, to give any glory I recieve to Him...he deserves it for sure.

I'm excited about my future. I've become less stressed and have been telling myself that whatever happens, happens. God has control and right now I'm trying to lean on Him and go with the flow. No, God is not going to magically talk to me, and that sort o confuses me sometimes because I don't always know what God exactly wants from me. So right now I am just taking life and college and work one step at a time and if I happen to get off track, well I'm just thankful to have God as my leader to show me the rigt way if that ever happens.

It seriously takes dedication, commitment, love and a bit of time to get to know God better. He's given us that and much more so I just have to tell myself I owe that to Him. And I honestly really do wanna be a good servant, it's not just I feel like I have to. Not at all.
With God all things are possible.

Peace & Blessings.

Savings

I randomly think of things I want to buy that I should save up for, so I thought I would just put them here :) Not in any particular order, really.

1. Handwritten Bible

2. Trip to Michigan

3. Skydiving??

4. Laptop

5. Christmas presents for people

6. School books and tuition

7. Apartment

8. Bucket list random things :)

9. Music

More to come!

Bucket List

Here is my bucket list, I just add things to it whenever I think of something :)

White Water Rafting

Speed Dating

Bungee Jumping

Buy a lottory ticket

Tatto

Drive a race car

Polar Plunge

Paintballing

School 4

Karaoke

Movie hop

Buy a tarantula

Shave head

own a truck

shooting range/hunting

see baby turtles hatch

sleep on beach

Go to Bertha, Fl

Eat a bug

punch someone

give blood

camp in grand canyon

see 7 wonders of the world

fly in a helicopter

ride a bull

swim with dolphins

see a NYC broadway show

Fall Plans

Summer has begun! It's going to be a great few months. But I have a ton of decisions to make for the fall!

First, I have to decide about school. I definitely want to go. I have 75% bright futures to help out with the costs and I am going to FSCJ (Florida's sucky crap jail haha) so it will b

e cheaper than other alternatives and it is close to home, so I can stay in town and work and go to the beach all the time (: But I still have to decide which classes to take and how many I want to and what a good schedule would be.

This also depends on where I am living. I would really REALLY Love to move to Country Club lakes (picture below) with my cousin, Sarah. She wants to move down here from Kentucky and that would be amazing and I would have so much freedom and it would b

e a great time, but I would also have a ton of bills and responsibilities. I don't know if I would be able to make enough money to pay for the rent, gas, groceries, insurance, phone, and anything else that I would have to pay for, which sucks. And if I couldn't get enough hours then I would need to find a better job and I don't want to leave CFA, but if I have to I might.

But, that also depends on how much I want to work, which depends on how many classes I am taking and when, which depends on EVERYTHING! Haha, it's a lot to think about and to decide, and in a very short time.

Pros to moving out:

• Freedom (the biggest thing. Includes staying up however late I want, going wherever I want, not having to ask or have a curfew. Not that I would do anything crazy and stupid but, it would be nice)
• Live with my cousin
• Live near beach and work and in a cute apartment
• Have a really good time and school year
• Everything good will happen!!!!!
• Not living at home, yay!

Cons to moving out:

• Cost a lot of money
• Be tired and busy all the time
• Risky (vague but, it is)
• I'm only 18, young? yes, I don't wanna grow up too fast, idk.

So it would be really cool to move out, but also probably stressful all the time! I am excited, and have the best friends and family who give the best advice and I am going to pray and hopefully God will show me which doors he has opened for me and which ones he has closed. I truly want to follow his path for my life, and don't want to get to wrapped up in having "freedom" that I miss it. If He wants me to stay at home for some reason, I will. I know that I would love to move out if everything works, but I don't want to focus all my time and energy on doing that if it's not what He wants. Ahh, life is confusing haha. Sometimes I wish I knew exactly what God was thinking and what He wants for me right now but I know I can't, and I won't, so

I just have to trust.

Pray pray pray and listen listen listen is what I am going to do!

Country Club Lakes Apartments, aren't they cute? It really is a cool place, the best one we have looked at so far.

April Showers Bring May Flowers!

It's already May! I can't believe it. Seriously, I can't.

It's going to be the best month ever, for several reasons.

1. School ends.

2. Surprise! Summer starts (:

3. My best friend comes home! for...

4. ... our high school graduation! Holla.

5. Orlando with Alexis!! Getting senior pictures done :)

That is just five out of a ton of reasons (okay I really can't think of any more but I am sure there are!) that prove that May is the bomb!

So many things have happened recently.

Like, I talked about Justin Bieber for 10 minutes in class (was a speech)...that was fun and amazing basically even though I hate talking. Ew. Also I turned 18!!! Now I can do...everything that I have no desire to do! Woot woot. But it is nice being able to work whatever I want and all. Now I am going to work over the summer a toooonn and hopefully buy a car!

Also, some of us girls at R.O.C.K have started leading small groups and it's been really cool. Well, okay, let me back up. It is a great idea, I love it and at first everything was amazing (and still is...just wait for the story). And I love Shelly who is my partner and I love our girls and I am so glad I can be there for them and to help them. But lately I've been thinking about how I feel like I don't even know anything. Lol (just had to add that).

But really, the girls in our group probably know sooo much more than me, about life and God and the Bible and sometimes I think it's unfair that I am supposedly their leader when they are leading me. It's my fault really. Over the past few years I haven't been spending time with God and reading his Word like I should be. I always tell myself I'm too busy and whatnot when really I am too lazy and just stupid haha!

But I don't want to just say "oh well" and continue on with my life. I am starting to think that this is a good thing! These girls will encourage me to read His Word because I want to be able to really lead them and know how to answer their questions and the only way that will happen is if I know the Bible. So yeah. Basically I want to take this as an opportunity to really get my act together! To start living for Christ, walking the walk and not just talking the talk!

I know I know. This is a blog at 2am and it's really easy to type a ton of words. Well, I am serious. I don't want to keep putting other things before my Saviour. He deserves everything and who am I to hold it back? Ugh. Okay this is going to be hard. But with so many big decisions before me I definitely don't want to go head first alone! In fact I don't want to be deciding anything I want God to and how is that gonna happen if I'm not listening? Duh.
And I'm talking to myself, great haha.

I just like to avoid school and blog at late hours when I have nothing else to do, that is all.

To be honest...

...I super miss mis hermanas (my sisters hehe) Amy and Hannah.

I've really been trying to trust God, I know that He is in total control, and this is His plan, not theirs or ours. That is truly comforting because God is perfect, His plans are perfect and if anyone had to choose what we do with our lives I'm definitely glad it is Him.

But sometimes it just sucks. Just thinking about how they are up there and how they are not just on vacation, that they won't be back in a few days is scary.

Hannah is basically the bestest friend ever. We met in like 9th grade at the horrible PEP and soon realized that we both hate school, both love boys (just kidding...teeheehee) both loved passing notes in class teeheehee (just sometimes, okay). So by 10th grade we were good friends and then 11th grade definitely bffls. We had like almost every class together, I saw her at least four days a week and then we both got jobs around the same time and we both encouraged each other in our walk with Jesus. I LOVE how we talk about Him. I mean I may not be the best encouraging friend but Hannah for sure is and she has really encouraged me in that area of my life. Especially since we made that deal or whatever where we have to tell each other EVERYTHING haha. Like EVERYTHING leaving nothing out. That usually helps in strengthening friendships.

Then one day as we were at pep just hanging out getting in trouble probably lol she told me the AWFUL news that she was leaving. My heart broke basically haha. It sucked. But the good thing was that she had thought they were leaving before senior year of school even started, but thankfully the waited and I got to spend that first and half of the second semester with her in a couple of my classes.

I've met some really great people through her, like REALLY great. Like I couldn't even live without them.

Basically, I am just rambling and I really miss her but her amazing sister Abby (them Bourques are just awesome) asked if I wanted to do this book/Bible study with her and it's really going to help me see that this is the best thing for them because it is what God told them to do. And it's also going to help me with the rest of my life.

I also really miss Amy. Obviously we aren't life bffl bffls because she is the younger sister of my bffl and basically my younger sister and therefore we have a love/hate relationship..well not really hate just love relationship that you have with sisters teeheehee. But I really love Amy and she is amazing and even though she is a boy haha jk I won't go there. She is truly a beautiful loving girl, who acts all tough and it's cute :P And Amy asked and asked and begged me to come to Rock one week, the youthgroup at ECC and so I went and LOVED it. These people are some of the greatest I've ever met, and if Amy hadn't been so in love with God and them then I probably would have never come and met them. It's been a huge blessing and it's just freaking awesome lol.

All in all, I'm sad to say goodbye. Like really sad. I don't want to go back to school and have 2-3 hours of break because usually I would hang out with her and we would talk about everything and now I am just going to be sitting in the cold death study hall by myself. Maybe I should use this time to meet new people, and strengthen my other friendships, idk. I just know that God loves us and does not give us more than we can handle with Him, and that we are all going to get through this.

The Bourques will be back in just over a month, and we will have a great week or so with them, and then summer will come and we will go to college and encourage each other from wherever we are in the world and we will see each other on breaks and stuff.

I read this verse today about the God being the vine and how we are the branches and it's just a really great verse.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

I really love this verse a lot. Like it might be one of my favorites. Without God, we are nothing. We are just sinners who have no hope. Jesus saved us though, so now we can become God's children. If we abide in Him, just like this verse says, then we will bear much fruit for His glory. Our life will have purpose and we can have peace knowing that we are doing the right thing. I am glad that Hannah and Amy moved only because they are living in God's will. If they had stayed they wouldn't have been going where God called them and that would have sucked (yeah I need to take a vocabulary class...I know lol).

This is a really long post of me just going on and on and on about how I miss them. Best friends moving away = no fun. I don't wanna finish the school year because it's gonna be really different without them here. But I can't wait to see what God does in Michigan with them and here in good ol Jacksonville with us.

Now I should probably focus on this darn school that was due forever and a day ago.

March Madness on a whole new level!

This has been...one of the craziest months of my life. Well. Basically. I mean like I don't wanna be a drama queen but it's been a sad/happy/busy/just all around crazy month. There have been great days and not so great days. And it's been hard but thankfully I have God and I am realizing more and more how much he really loves us, loves me, and just how present he is in my life.

Let's see. March...Well, my sister got hitched, holla! Haha she had a beautiful wedding at Hanna Park at the Dolphin Plaza, and it was a beautiful day. Family and friends all came down to celebrate and we got to talk to people we haven't seen in awhile and we danced a little and the night before all of us bridemaids and friends got a hotel room and hung out and got pedicures in the morning. My sisters are basically the best thing ever.

My sisters are all gorgeous and hilarious and we just complete each other. I swear like having sisters is the best, there is this bond that is unbreakable and you can all relate cause you are all girls and yeah this is a little mushy but it's true :) Jessica was a beautiful bride and David was a handsome groom and I am so excited to officially have him as part of the family!

Then that Sunday after the wedding Hannah and Amy had their going away party/Amy's birthday party and it was really a great time to see everyone together for one of the last times for awhile. I feel really dorky because I am not the one moving, or even related to them by blood but basically they are sisters and bffls and I am going to miss them very much! And then we had pep as usual and Amy took our senior pictures for us! I am so proud of her she is becoming a good lil photographer (: tear tear. haha. But here is a good picture. Sort of shows all of us and our... moods haha whatever you want to call it. We are a good group of kids and I am so glad that I have met each and every one of them :)

And then the craziness started lol. As time went on the Bourque's final days grew...less...no I am not going to be a writer someday so don't worry lol. But the girls final Rock was really amazing. We started out playing games and then we had amazing worship and a message and then our all the girls gathered into small group and prayed with/for Hannah and Amy and all the love in the room was so amazing. It was really a sad time to think that this was their last rock, for a while at least, but to see how close everyone has grown and much we love each other and encourage each other to grow in the Lord is really an amazing thing. I thank God that He brought me to this group of people. Like really.

And then bffl day came! Finally haha. I have the best friends anyone could ask for. Hannah, Duckie, Shelly, Courtney and I all wanted to hang out together one last time before they moved (not one last time ever cause that would be stupid) so we went to 5 points! The most crazy place ever. Like how the heck are you suppose to drive or park down there its so tiny! haha. Anways, Abby and Eden (cuteness 1 and cuteness 2) and also little sisters Dia and Amy came along and we went into a couple of really cute vintage stores. They were really cool and I'll admit that some of the stuff was a little....haha wow I don't even have a word. maybe weird? I couldn't pull some of that stuff off, that's for sure. But it was a great and fantastic day nonetheless. After the stores and finding our sisterhood travelling thing (suspenders!) we went to the park to give Hannah her secret bffl box! It was just some stuff that we gathered for her to remind her of Jax and us and to just have a little bit of home and love as she travels to Michigan. Then we hung out at the park and Amy took a bunch of model pics everyone because everyone is a model duh. Basically though, these women (yeah holla) are such a huge blessing I really can't imagine my life without them, it would be horribly horrid. It was a great day full of laughter and thankfully no crying haha and I can't wait until our future hangouts!

(We gave Hannah her box and we all love each other and Courtney really encouraged us and it was just a super duper great day and I love each of them)

and then Friday Brian and I went down to Orlando to visit Anna and Tiffany, and to celebrate Anna's birthday! On the way down there we went past our exit and drove through a bunch of traffic and then we had to turn around and drive through it all over again haha. And then we took Anna to Golden Corral and ate dinner and we were going to take her to Legoland and Downtown Disney but there was SO MUCH TRAFFIC. We sat in it for two hours. Like seriously. And so we ditched that idea and went to downtown Orlando and went and got some Mochi and then took some amazing pictures and hung out. Anna jump and fell on her back on concrete, someone broke into our car and stole Tiffany's itouch and some other random junk and then we went home and watched a weird vampire horror movie that I fell asleep to haha. And then the next morning we went to the pool and then Brian and I drove home like at 80mph the whole way to make it in time for work. And we witnessed someone spin out of control on i95, no one hit anyone and they kept on driving when they stopped spinning. It was right in front of us, and it was crazy, but I thank God no one was hurt or injured at all. And then we got home and worked and it was pretty cool (haha snl... Oh I would have a picture but I brought Tiffanys camera home by accident soooo).

thennnnn doomsday came! Sunday night I went to the Gregor's house to say goodbye to Hannah and Amy for the last time until May. It was...sad. No one cried when I was there, we actually laughed a lot and had a good time. It is just sad that we won't be able to do that with Hannah for a couple months. It is going to be so weird. She is my best friend. We are always there for each other, we ALWAYS have to tell each other everything no matter what it is or how embarrassing because we made a rule lol. We met through pep and we both hated school so much and we are both not the smartest people so we clicked pretty fast haha. We are like twins minus the fact that she is way prettier and funnier but other than that we are sisters! And even though it's hard to admit or accept, God DOES have a plan for them. I hate to see them leave, but I would feel horrible keeping them here in Jacksonville just so I can be happy. Living outside of God's will is like the worst thing ever. For real. They would probably have been miserable and honestly I just want to see them do what God wants, and what they want (which is what God wants because they are awesome). Again, I feel really lame because I am not even the one moving. It must be SOOO hard for them to leave their relationships they've invested in and just their whole life and all the memories they've made.

I'm just glad God is the same God everywhere. He has them in His hand and NO one can pluck them out. It's going to be an amazing journey to hear about and the mountains are like the second best thing in the whole world (don't ask me what the first is, I had nothing in mind hahah I just thought "second best thing" sounded good). Anyways, I'm glad I can be here for them and encourage them. Which I have really failed at lately because I'm so emo and let my stupid emotions rule my life but really, I am happy and excited for them and can't wait to see tons of pictures and everything!

And that is my March Madness so far. It's only going to get crazier with spring break and then school starting back and working a ton and saving for a car and going to the beach to freckle. And hopefully most importantly learning about God's new mercies everyday.

...of a dumb blonde.

So it's 4:14 am. I am working on some homework and just remembered we are all out of ink.

...

Do you know how depressing this is? I could've not done my homework and been like "I ran out of ink I'll email it to you" and they wouldn't have known the difference! But, this way I can say that and be truthful 100% and not have to do it later. Phew. I guess that is good?

I am sitting here on the laptop and I have been listening to Pandora with my headphones plugged in for a few hours now and I decided to read my sisters blog. While I was reading it (it was really intense. I was paying very close attention) I felt something in my ear but ignored it. Then it was still there, and I heard this annoying noise. It wouldn't go away. By now I was sort of annoyed because I just wanted to finish reading this blog post without this annoying feeling in my ear. I reached up and realized I still had the headphones in...like seriously? I've had them in all night, with music playing and I totally forgot. Stupid.

I guess that goes to show that my sister is a really good blogger, especially when she writes the diary of a UNICORN! Heck. Yes.

Searching

So one day (today) I was looking for some quotes from this movie I just saw in theater, and with no luck from that I was just browsing through quotes by various people. Then I came upon Judy Garland (Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz) and one time I saw a little show about her on PBS (where else?) and really thought she was a cool person, even though her life was a little sad.

And one of the quotes sort of stuck out, which is below:

"If I am a legend, then why am I so lonely?"

-Judy Garland

This lady had so many earthly possesions. She was famous, people adored her, she had money and beauty. But even with all this she was still lonely.

Only God can make us whole. He is always there for us so there is never a reason to feel lonely.

It just sort of makes me sad to see that people like us die everyday without even knowing how much life they could have!

Pointless.

I am working on a 3-page paper on my ecosystem and the chain of events, technology, human impact and catastrophic events in it.

Well. I am here with the laptop in a comfy chair and the t.v. is on. How much do you think I am going to get done?

Exactly :)

So anyways I just saw a Progesso commercial and it was something like this.

Girl in her kitchen talking into a Progresso can: You helped me reach my wieght goal I want to thank you.

Cook in a kitchen cooking Progresso talking into a can: Uh thanks but it's not just me.

Girl: HAHAHAHA you're so funny. . . . I like you.

end of commercial.

Wasn't that funny? I love using different font stuff.

Life

Romans 8:12-13 "So, my brothers and sisters, we must not be ruled by our sinful selves or live the way our sinful selves want. If you use your lives to do the wrong things your sinful selves want, you will die spiritually. But if you use the Spirit's help to stop doing the wrong things you do with your body, you will have true life."


I want true life.

"Glory to God in the highest!"

These past few weeks have been really amazing!

With school ending which means finals, vacation, decisions about my future, I have started to realize that I need to place more trust in God, like, all that I have.

My life is not about me, or pleasing anyone on this earth. All my glory goes to God, that is why I am here. With what I am going to do in school, who I am going to be with and hangout, how I talk or whatever, I need to pray to God and see what he wants me to do.

It would be a shame if I was so focused on my wants that I totally miss out on God's perfect plan for my life.

It may be hard and I may not like it at times, but if I am in God's will, that is more than I could ever ask for!

So this upcoming year and senior year and college and everything, I pray that my brothers and sisters in Christ and myself stay focused on God and follow him to wherever he leads.


I don't want to miss hearing Him!



Leah

Whoa horsey!

Okay it's almost Thanksigiving! Where in the world did time go?

This is what's up,

School is amazing minus Spanish, I hope I pass :o
Made new friends this semester that I really like.
Bought headphones last night, now I can listen to my ipod anywhere! haha.
Going on a ski trip in January, get to miss a day of school!
Family comes in for Thanksgiving, best thing EVER.
My cousin is getting married in December, so I get to spend Christmas in Kentucky! Woot.
Going to Church..most of them time ;)

Yeah. I don't really feel like blogging but I haven't in a while so I thought I would.