This past week I sat down early in the morning to take what I thought would be my last test of nursing school. 2.5 hours and 160 questions later, I was shocked and frustrated to see a score of 819. So close. 850 is all I needed. I managed to read through the rationale for two of the questions I answered wrong before becoming angry and giving up. As I handed in my pencil and scrap paper the testing proctor clapped and cheered, naive to the fact that not everyone would pass. I quickly walked to my car, cussing up a storm in my head asking myself how I could be so stupid as to fail by a measly 31 points. I turned up my aggressive sounding rap music and sped to work.
The rest of the week included many people asking how it went, me throwing pity parties for myself, and a whole lot of not reading my Bible or talking to God. Tuesday to Sunday - that's how long I gave myself to wallow in my pitiful sorrows. Yes, I know there are much more tragic things going on in the lives of those around me. Death, terror, illness, yet this failure of the test seemed so huge. Failure was not even in my vocabulary going into this test. I was pumped. I was excited. I knew I had God on my side. Nothing was going to slow me down now! And them BAM. Hit me like a... close door? I forget the saying.
So what do you do when you trust God, love God, have faith that he will be your strength and wisdom to get you through hard times (yes... I know it's just an exam...yes I was/am dramatic), and then everything comes crashing down? Obviously God messed up somewhere right? After all, I left it up to him. As easy as it is to blame other people, I do not think that is what happened at all. It has taken much longer than I'd like to admit, but I'm slowly learning that it is, in fact, NOT the end of the world.
I'm not a Bible guru so I honestly don't remember the reference or all the details of this very famous moment in history. And honestly I'm pulling memories from a cartoon I saw as a child, but my attitude reminds me of when God led the Israelites out of Egypt and saved them from the harsh slavery they had known for many years. God was awesome (as He always is) and parted seas, led the way with pillars of smoke, rained down food on them (literally a dream come true for me), and performed miracle after amazing miracle. Yet, the moment times got tough or struggle came their way, the Israelites acted like idiots. They seemed to forget where God had brought them from and had this attitude of complete hopelessness. They complained, they cried, they blamed God. This sounds exactly like my attitude this week.
Here I am three weeks away from earning my degree and all I can do is complain. I feel like a failure. I feel insecure about my capabilities of being a nurse. I am ashamed and I am dreading sitting through another test. I feel like I've let people down and the fear of that happening again is crippling. So quickly I felt hopeless, like I could never pass this test. All too quickly I had forgotten where I came from.
A little over a year ago I was worrying (a common theme here) about what I was going to do with my life. There was so much up in the air and I wasn't sure of anything. One day I decided to give nursing school a shot (haha..shot..get it?). I took the prerequisites, applied, and was accepted! Holy cow! I made it into nursing school! That in and of itself is a miracle straight from heaven. I've never been a straight "A" student. More like straight "C" with a sprinkle of "A"'s and "B"'s. I was shocked and super excited. What nursing school has brought me, apart from much stress and many tears, is some of the greatest people and friends I have ever met, experience serving others in a way that gets me excited about my future career, and a great appreciation for everyone who works in the healthcare field. Class after class, and test after test, I would get even more excited. There were some risky grades here and there, but overall I was breezing through. I loved learning new skills and I still get school-girl excited thinking of having the opportunity to work as a real nurse someday soon! I have this passion and excitement that I know is a gift from God. Leading up to this point I've had it easy in school.
One fail and all that is gone from my mind. All I can think about is what other people will think, if I'll be ready and able to pass it the second time, how I won't be able to relax yet because I'll be studying every night. I focused all my energy on the negative. I let the devil convince me I wasn't capable of this journey. I was so consumed with failure that I was blind to what good could come from this.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV
http://bible.com/111/2co.12.9.niv
I realized I had been finding my worth and identity in this one circumstance. My grades, good or bad, don't define me. I want people to be able to look at me and be so overwhelmed with the love and light of Christ that they don't even notice me. Through struggles and success, I want to be able to point back to God. If I hadn't failed this test, my head would probably be so big from pride it could be its own planet. Through failing I have learned that I need to work on trusting God and to cling to Him. To accept that I don't control my circumstances, and life won't always go according to my plan. I'm learning not to sweat the small stuff. When I die, none of this is going with me.
There are so many more important things in life and I am just wasting time by sitting back and crying about sucky situations. It's a downright shame to use my time mourning than running to God and finding peace and comfort and strength in Him.
I am praying like crazy I pass this second time. I have faith and confidence that I can. I am going to study my butt off and give 110%. By doing that, I know that I have done my part, and the only thing left to do is trust God with the rest. If I fail again, I'll be devastated I'm not going to lie. I'll probably throw some plates at the wall or turn Amazon woman and scream while knocking some trees down (I doubt Amazon woman do that). But I do know this, that storms in life are not just about being sad, but about praising and glorifying God regardless.
I can't waste another second letting my sour attitude keep me from spending time with God. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Friday, April 15, 2016
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Amurica
I love America and the freedom we have here.
Today at lunch as my friend prayed over our food I was thinking about how rare it is to see people praying in places for their food, or whatever they are praying for.
I began to think of the places where it is illegal to pray, worship, read your Bible or even talk about God in public, and how blessed I am to live in a country where I don't even have to think twice about doing any of that!
Then I got to thinking how many times I don't do something as simple as bless my food, an easy chance to talk with my savior, and I simply just don't do it! That freedom is a privilege, and I take it for granted day after day. And when I do pray at meals, it's just at dinner or whenever someone else takes the initiative.
I can't believe I don't take the opportunity more often!
and yeah i really don't feel like writing. i hate writing. goodbye.
Today at lunch as my friend prayed over our food I was thinking about how rare it is to see people praying in places for their food, or whatever they are praying for.
I began to think of the places where it is illegal to pray, worship, read your Bible or even talk about God in public, and how blessed I am to live in a country where I don't even have to think twice about doing any of that!
Then I got to thinking how many times I don't do something as simple as bless my food, an easy chance to talk with my savior, and I simply just don't do it! That freedom is a privilege, and I take it for granted day after day. And when I do pray at meals, it's just at dinner or whenever someone else takes the initiative.
I can't believe I don't take the opportunity more often!
and yeah i really don't feel like writing. i hate writing. goodbye.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
The Good Samaritan
Luke 10: 25-37 - Jesus Tells the Parable of the Good Samaritan
I love this story, and it seems like every time I read it I learn something new. Tonight, my heart was hurting so deeply for someone I care about more than myself. I was sitting in bed, crying, and by the grace of God I thought to myself, "turn to scripture". Usually, I just cry myself to sleep, curse life for sucking so bad, and eventually shrug it off. But lately, I have been trying to make an effort to talk to God more, and talk about God more. And I've been asking him to give me the desire to serve him, because let's be honest, sitting down and reading a book (yes, even the Bible unfortunately) just doesn't sound as appealing as sleeping in, or sitting on the couch watching my show, being lazy. And praying usually turns into a "try not to fall asleep" time. It's sad, but it's true. That's how I have been, or had been. I have really been working on it, and I have seen changes. Like tonight, when I got the idea to read my Bible when I was sad, instead of trying to deal with it myself. Or when I see someone hurt, or trying to achieve something, and instead of saying to myself, "I hope they are okay" or, "I hope they reach their goal" I will pray to God, the author of life, the one who can actually do something about the situation. It's all by the grace of God. My dumb little selfish brain couldn't have thought of that on my own, it's all God.
So tonight I read Luke 10, and it of course it was great. I've been attempting to really read and study the verses and chapters that I read, instead of just breezing through. I've been trying to apply the passages to my life, because if I just read it and leave it at that, what was the point?
What I learned tonight from the passage above is that while the man, a Jew, was laying naked and half dead on the side of a road, two people passed him, saw him, and not only did nothing, but took the effort to get as far away as possible. The two people were a Levite and a priest, both people involved with religion (you know, that label people claim that makes them "good"). Then a Samaritan comes along, an enemy of the Jewish people, and sees the man on the road and decides to help. Not only did he get him to safety, he went above and beyond to make sure this man was treated right. He dressed his wounds, walked to the inn while the man rode his donkey, paid for a few nights stay for the man, and promised to pay for whatever other expenses the man makes.
To see the priest and Levite walk by one of their own, and ignore a man in need, is sad. To see the Samaritan, who is supposedly an enemy, look at him and realize the man is no worse than he is, that he is just another human being who is in need of help, to put all the differences behind and find the similarities, is amazing.
It makes me think of how often I have had a "holier than thou" attitude towards others, so much that it blinded me from doing the simplest of things, and helping someone in need. God created us all in his image, we are all equally sinful, dirty…human. I should be viewing everyone with love. How many people have I thought were not as good as me, wether I thought they were dirty (literally), or more sinful, or not as smart, etc. and completely turned away, refused to love them unconditionally as God has loved me.
I need to apply this to my life, to put away the so called differences that don't even matter, and realize the similarities between myself and my peers, and reach out to them. Help them. Love them. Whether it's the homeless man asking for some change, or a coworker complaining about the job, or a sibling who I am fighting with, just anyone, whoever.
Everyone is my neighbor. No matter what color, belief, race, education, paycheck, etc. God calls me to love my neighbor, Jesus defined my neighbor. Now it's my time to be obedient.
I love this story, and it seems like every time I read it I learn something new. Tonight, my heart was hurting so deeply for someone I care about more than myself. I was sitting in bed, crying, and by the grace of God I thought to myself, "turn to scripture". Usually, I just cry myself to sleep, curse life for sucking so bad, and eventually shrug it off. But lately, I have been trying to make an effort to talk to God more, and talk about God more. And I've been asking him to give me the desire to serve him, because let's be honest, sitting down and reading a book (yes, even the Bible unfortunately) just doesn't sound as appealing as sleeping in, or sitting on the couch watching my show, being lazy. And praying usually turns into a "try not to fall asleep" time. It's sad, but it's true. That's how I have been, or had been. I have really been working on it, and I have seen changes. Like tonight, when I got the idea to read my Bible when I was sad, instead of trying to deal with it myself. Or when I see someone hurt, or trying to achieve something, and instead of saying to myself, "I hope they are okay" or, "I hope they reach their goal" I will pray to God, the author of life, the one who can actually do something about the situation. It's all by the grace of God. My dumb little selfish brain couldn't have thought of that on my own, it's all God.
So tonight I read Luke 10, and it of course it was great. I've been attempting to really read and study the verses and chapters that I read, instead of just breezing through. I've been trying to apply the passages to my life, because if I just read it and leave it at that, what was the point?
What I learned tonight from the passage above is that while the man, a Jew, was laying naked and half dead on the side of a road, two people passed him, saw him, and not only did nothing, but took the effort to get as far away as possible. The two people were a Levite and a priest, both people involved with religion (you know, that label people claim that makes them "good"). Then a Samaritan comes along, an enemy of the Jewish people, and sees the man on the road and decides to help. Not only did he get him to safety, he went above and beyond to make sure this man was treated right. He dressed his wounds, walked to the inn while the man rode his donkey, paid for a few nights stay for the man, and promised to pay for whatever other expenses the man makes.
To see the priest and Levite walk by one of their own, and ignore a man in need, is sad. To see the Samaritan, who is supposedly an enemy, look at him and realize the man is no worse than he is, that he is just another human being who is in need of help, to put all the differences behind and find the similarities, is amazing.
It makes me think of how often I have had a "holier than thou" attitude towards others, so much that it blinded me from doing the simplest of things, and helping someone in need. God created us all in his image, we are all equally sinful, dirty…human. I should be viewing everyone with love. How many people have I thought were not as good as me, wether I thought they were dirty (literally), or more sinful, or not as smart, etc. and completely turned away, refused to love them unconditionally as God has loved me.
I need to apply this to my life, to put away the so called differences that don't even matter, and realize the similarities between myself and my peers, and reach out to them. Help them. Love them. Whether it's the homeless man asking for some change, or a coworker complaining about the job, or a sibling who I am fighting with, just anyone, whoever.
Everyone is my neighbor. No matter what color, belief, race, education, paycheck, etc. God calls me to love my neighbor, Jesus defined my neighbor. Now it's my time to be obedient.
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